A Personal Essay
By Hannah Khanshali
I stared at the bright light radiating from the front of the train car ready to hop in and head home. Sometimes my brain is flushed with random thoughts of wonder and concern, and I can’t stop thinking ridiculously meta thoughts like: who am I, what do I want from life, and what means the most to me.
See, being the marvelously indecisive person I am, my interests grow every day. I take each ounce of joy I receive from life and remake it by hand over, and over again whether it’s through science, painting, writing and listening to music, or simply reading. I cherish each laugh I hear, each smile I see, and register it in my own soul for safe keeping. The many joys that I have stir me two ways: I am grateful to love many things, but frightened that what I love may never be enough, but that could just be the lingering imposter syndrome talking. However, in the past year of my life through many moments of happiness I have learned to take my moments of joy and run with them. Develop each little hobby I discover, and revel in my most joyous moments. I refuse to even forget the sad moments. Pour my soul out into my music. And cherish the adrenaline rush I get from solving a chemistry problem I once thought was “so intimidating”.
On a foggy day in Willow, New York I sat on the porch and shuffled an album titled, “For Emma, Forever Ago” by Bon Iver. The mixture of the rawness of Bon Iver’s voice, the gentle guitar and the foggy windows sent a flutter to my heart. It reminded me of the simplicities of life and how often us humans overcomplicate ourselves. I have always felt the need to limit myself and live up to the standards of others around me, pressured myself to be a certain way, and struggled with being simply, Hannah.
My uncle always loved to hear me sing and claimed to be “my biggest fan”. I would always chuckle shyly, afraid to embarrass myself. One night at his house he begged me to sing for him. I was so shy and refused of course; I’m sure that he didn’t really expect me to sing, and was only teasing, but it is a memory that remains imprinted in my mind. The next day, he passed away in a terrible accident. And at his funeral, I sang my heart out with tears filling up the corners of my eyes. It is these parts of me, my music, my art, my compassion, my passion for science, and my love that define me. This memory has attached my soul to music forever, no matter which career path I decide to take. This experience combined with the Bon Iver album that I fell in love with this summer, have taught me to embrace who I am, to never doubt myself or my abilities, and never forget the simplicities of life.
My journey of reflection, self-love and basking in the simplicities of life was kickstarted by one strong memory of my time in Costa Rica where I tagged along on my friend’s vacation. One evening, there was the most beautiful sunset: the sky was full of pink streaks and a glowing orange sun that lit the water aflame and carried the glare across the current, straight to my feet on the edge of the water. My friend’s little sister and I decided to go horse-back riding at sunset, and as the cool air swept across my face, I felt a sense of freedom and simple happiness, and I felt my face begin to ache from smiling so much. Galloping on the beach watching the flaming sun set opened me up to the possibilities that life has to offer.
Through these many simple but meaningful experiences in my life, I have learned to be the person that I was always meant to become. I have learned to embrace the small moments of happiness, or sadness, in my life, never limit myself, take risks, sing and be artistic whenever I want, and live a life that is meant to be lived.
